Professional Rapper

[Intro: Lil Dicky & Juanita]
Hello, how can I help you?
Hi, my name's Dave Burd
Uh, I have an appointment today
It's probably under "Lil Dicky", actually
I'm a... I'm a rapper, so...
Ok, and who are you here to see?
Uh, Snoop Dogg? Says here "Snoop D-O-G-G"
Oh, yeah, he's right down the hall, first door to your right
Give him a knock and he should be right with you
Thanks
It's uh, this door right here, right?
Mm, Thank you

[Verse 1: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg]
Grab a seat
Thanks, I'm Dave, very nice to meet
Dave, what it do? You can call me Dogg
Let me just check your sheet
No problem, sir, let me just say
I'm a big fan of the ѕh¡t that y'all make
I can't lie, I been thinking 'bout this all day
All good, there's a reason that we called, Dave
Let me start with your background, where you come from?
Sure, I was undergrad down there in Richmond
Before that
Oh, you talking 'bout my hometown? (Yeah)
I was born out of Philly
Grew up in a little silly old town called Cheltenham
It was in the suburbs, upper-middle wealth around
So real ѕh¡t, you ain't never had to struggle for much?
I wouldn't say it like that
We just had a different kind of trap (Elaborate)
Well I ain't never had a tool but I had to be the man at school
Like, I was doing ѕh¡t I had to do
So when I finished undergrad, I'm cool
And I could get whatever job I wanted
But the job you wanted wasn't all that bumpin'
Yeah, and I saw it quick all the flaws that be comin'
When you grow up like that, when you been racing them rats
You ain't been making them raps
Boo-hoo what a hardship
How you paid to get the rap ѕh¡t started?
Man, my Bar Mitzvah money
But don't diss me buddy, I wasn't one of them youngins
Up on the block who had nothing to lose
I must've wanted this a lot, I had something to choose
Ha, look at that, I can say there's something to prove up in yo' αѕѕ
Yeah, I guess— That's enough of the past
What makes you want to do rap? Oh my God, it's the best
B¡tchєѕ let me draw up on their breasts
Literally, I can reinvent myself
I get a forum to project myself, it's never borin'
Every morning I wake up and try to best myself
I never got to be suppressed or stealthy to express myself
It's kinda healthy— Cool, now let me
Put you through a couple hypotheticals— Sure
In a club and a couple n¡ɡɡαѕ threaten you? Uh...
I wouldn't do ѕh¡t, and I don't even get
What that got to do with this? Shut the fμcκ up, rap's like life
If you wanna do this
Then you won't get far acting like a lil' b¡tch—
Nah, that's my niche, don't get offended by this
But that's the market y'all missed, that's the target I'll hit
And that's the heart of my pitch
I wanna do this whole thing different

[Interlude: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg]
What the fμcκ you mean
You wanna do the whole thing different?
Uh, you know, I-I think, like, you know
Traditionally people have been doing the job, uh
You know, the same kind of way for a long time
But traditionally speaking, this ѕh¡t works, right?
Nah, like, I get that
But I-I just think like, you know
You don't know if it could be working even better
And I think you should look at me as an opportunity
To find that out
I don't mean any disrespect by that
I'm just saying I have a different background
Like, a different perspective
Way of looking at things than your typical applicant
So what are your biggest strengths?

[Verse 2: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg]
Well, my flow is crazy
I can switch that amazin'
For example, I can be like ain't nobody fμcκ¡ng with Lil Dicky
When he get up on that ѕh¡t and spit it sick and ridiculous
Ripping this ѕh¡t like it's never been did and
The rhythm is never predictable 'Cuz I can switch it, deliver this ѕh¡t in
Whatever cadence you b¡tchєѕ prefer (Alright, alright, I get it)
Top of that, lyrically, I'm pretty dαmn clever (Go)
Got a long bottom b¡tch, call the hο Neville (Woah)
And I blew it from the jump, Derrick Rose knee (Oh)
You can say I'm pretty smart how I know better
And y'all been winning like Pistorius, it's no feat
Bro, I can go on and on
I'm taking over any man like father-in-laws
Ok, enough of the punchline
That ain't showing me you different than the other guys
Well, I don't know if they can run it like that
But ain't nobody else doing funny type rap(What's that?)
Well, I can tell a story 'bout my morning, watching Boy Meets
World and jerking off to Topanga Lawrence
Like the fourteen year old Topanga
Oh, this ѕh¡t like a joke to you? I don't get it
Nah, it ain't like that, I just happen to be a nutty abundantly
Funny type of individual, like, as a guy
So when I get up on the mic, I ain't finna just lie
Real recognize real, right?
Yeah, I guess... so what you tryna do
Five years from now, tell me 'bout the dude
Well, I don't care about the money, like, it's the respect that I'm wanting
Honestly, I just want to be one of the greats
Where they gotta bring your boy up every debate
I don't wanna leave the game the same
In a nutshell, what's your legacy?
Well, I wanna be the dude that came in and made the stand-up rap
Put the random rap in demand like that
For the people that was anti-rap, yet, the fans of rap
Start to recognize that anti-rap
Is ironically one of the real brands of rap left
That ѕh¡t sound pretty dαmn complex
I guess, I wanna be the best, I just wanna do it my way
And turn the whole game sideways
And show people you ain't gotta be resigned to the highway
You can make a path while these motherfuckers drive straight
(I ain't mad at that) Well thanks, man
That's my plan of my attack, just let me in and I'ma rap the plaques
And I ain't about to win them back to back
I'm 'bout to win them like it's back to back to back
To back to back 'til I stop rapping
You ain't even sold a dαmn album yet (True)
That's a lot of talk from a wily vet
Let alone a young rook', n¡ɡɡα (You misread me)
Nah, this ain't a book, n¡ɡɡα
Well, that's one of my flaws, I'm too competitive, dawg
No, you just fμcκ¡ng repetitive, dawg
I get it, you trying to be better than all
But you aren't ѕh¡t until cheddar's involved
I get that I gotta prove myself
No ѕh¡t, you ain't done ѕh¡t
Think about that though, only doing this a couple of years
One tape and I'm like this? This ѕh¡t is aight for your first ѕh¡t
But you don't know if it's your worst ѕh¡t
You don't think finding out would be worth it?
It might be, it might not
But I'ma put your αѕѕ to work, kid

[Interlude: Lil Dicky & Snoop Dogg]
Wait, like, like I have the job? Like really?
Well, one more thing
Let me see if you could put a hook together
What would you do for the hook for this song?
Uh, you- you want me to make a hook up right now?
Do I look like the type of n¡ɡɡα that like repeating himself?
Aight, uh, ok
Man, do the hook!
Uh— I'm 'bout to be professional
Homie, I'm professional
Yeah- uh, maybe like a low voice type thing?
N¡ɡɡα, that ѕh¡t is garbage, man
Well, you know
I feel like there might have been some upside to it
But I'm not good at thinking of things on the spot like that
Don't y'all normally, like
Outsource for that kind of thing sometimes?
Sometimes, heh, but you know
That was some next level Dogg ѕh¡t right there
Yeah, you know
I'm just way better when I get to think things through
Have, like, my dual screen action, that kinda thing
Whatever, man, you tryna smoke a blunt?
Right now? Yeah
Sure

[Outro: Lil Dicky, Snoop Dogg & Juanita]
Dope
Juanita, bring some weed in here, please
Thank you
You got it, Snoop
I'll be right there
Thanks, Juanita
Super nice woman
N¡ɡɡα, why does everything you say sound so soft?
Uh, I really don't wanna be spoken to like that, so...
Pfft, yeah, whatever
Thanks
Hey, I got y'all your weed
Dαmn, that's some great looking weed
It's just so early
Can I get you guys anything else while I'm here?
Coffee? Tea? Head? Bottled water?
D-Did you just say head?
Yeah
You ain't never got no head before?
I mean... Just feels like... A lot, right now
Ok
But what kind of tea do you guys have?
We got mint, raspberry, Earl Grey, English Breakfast...
Actually, I'll take head
I knew your little dirty αѕѕ wanted some head